Endings will lead to beginnings...
Jul. 14, 2002 - 6:59 a.m.

OK so the hugest thing in my life happend. But I really have to summarize everything since.. first..

OK well another upset day.. some nice talking.. then .. well we were tired and cranky and said goodnight to eachother by fighting.. then I flipped out.. so two days later I get this e-mail...

Lauren --

Let me start by saying I've never been mad at you for anything you said or did. I understand you have problems. I haven't blocked you, and I won't. I haven't blocked emails, and I won't.

But I've been thinking a lot, about what I think is best for you, and for me, and the conclusion will be very sad: We can't talk anymore. I'm very sorry for the pain this will cause you, but I believe it is the only proper course of action. I'm not right for you, and more, I'm not even good for you, as two nights ago showed.

I will miss you, and I regret the pain this will cause and the pain I've already caused. And I'm not doing this because I'm mad at you, or because of anything you did. I think you should block me so you don't see me. If you IM me, the only response you'll get will be "We shouldn't talk anymore" or something like that. If you email me, I'll read them but I won't respond. I know this is harsh, but this is the only way I know to keep it up. I'm sorry for the pain this will cause you, again.

Lauren, I can't help you, I can only hurt you more. I wish I could, but its not me you need. You'll do well for yourself though, I know it, just like I know this is the right thing to do. I'm sorry for everything.

--Rad---

OK by now you know me and I don't have to say much. I thought my life would be over. I sent him 30-40 e-mails. Cut myself to the point of bleeding.. then went and decided I'm sure he would talk to me and acted fine... I realized that since we had decided I was going to the day program at the hospital that talking wouldn't be a problem. Cuz through it all I would get help. So I told him this.

What did he do.. well he turned into, or maybe just remained, a jerk. Or maybe even jackass. He said we can talk again once I started the group thing. But I knew he wasn't really being completely honest. So I got it out of him that we can EASE into talking once I get help.. which he finally said means that not only do I have started the group but I should not feel that I NEED to talk to him anymore and I should realize that life is worth living on it's own.

This just goes beyond my capabilities in my own personality. I need my friends, it's the way it is. And the biggest thing I live for is love.

I was just so pissed that I realized that I don't even want to talk to him for now. (I've eased down a little but I still don't want to talk until he quits being a jackass).

And I realized I couldn't even see us being ok in the future. Like even if we can be friends I can't see us being together and cuddling and everything being ok. I'm too mad. Everything's changed. He went and ruined everything with what he said/did.

I don't know why I'm so calm about this and it's strange. I want to know why.

But one thing I know that is keeping me feeling so calm and removed is that I realized even if something gets in the way, even if I don't want it.. heck even if it doesn't happen... we are meant to be. I can say this with the most confidence while I don't even really ... like him right now (GRRRR).

So it would be really hard, with a lot of things to work out. And things will get in the way. But we are meant to be. Somehow I know this. Like I came back from the future and told myself this. Ok that sounds crazy.. but why is it ok to know it when you're like engaged and not in this situation? Anyway. Where was I... If the world works out right we will be together... even if I don't want that right now.. ok I said that.. Anyway... what happen will happen. But I know we are meant to be.

But that's not why I'm OK. ... cuz right now... I don't care too much..

I did start to imagine us together again... First I was thinking about us hanging out together and trying to work out issues if he came back.. then my brain made me go and sit on his lap and have him hold me. Then I started kissing him...

It's a start.. but got I/we have a damn long way to go.

Maybe that survivor in me kicked in. It does when I need it. Whenever I go too far psychologically I take a step back and look at myself, then I just start to take care of myself.

Mood: Eh.. heh...
Listening to: Nothing
About to: Put together a diary issue finally.

Posted by: Lucid-Dreamer
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