Lost that liking feeling?
Jul. 16, 2002 - 6:39 p.m.

Here is an e-mail from Rad..... To explain I was very sick last night, Tasha was sprayed by a skunk and I threw up...

Lauren --

That's awful, I'm sorry to hear you're sick. If it keeps up you should go to the doctor; most stomach illnesses only last 24 hours (although the one I had lasted longer). How much of it do you think is from a virus, and how much of it is from your being upset? [I told him I read a horrible article on an abusive animal shelter.]

The interview went very well. I got the job actually, and I think I'll take it. Its with the second best private school in the county, and I'd be teaching Pre-calculus (and maybe one calculus) to 10, 11, and 12 graders. They pay is enough to help out around here I think too. But HS teaching is a lot of work, long hours, etc. so I'm concerned about that. But I think its the best job I'll find, so I'm gonna take it. I think all interviews are stressful; I mean, it was three people basically asking you tricky questions about yourself and how you think. Very difficult to guess what they want to hear sometimes...

"I do not appreciate that. You should respond because you want to."

I'm sorry I phrased it that way, but I did say that I would respond and I don't know why you thought I wouldn't. Of course I responded because I wanted to.

"The things you want me to do are just things I don't want to. They're not a part of my personality, I won't compromise that. I'm sorry if you have a problem with that. You'll either have to deal with it or let me go."

What does let you go mean? And what things do I want you to do that fall into this category? All I'm saying is that you have to control your anger, and that you should never even threaten to kill yourself for anything, let alone actually mean it, which I think you did. And I don't think these are problems that just disappear, but I think they take time. It is good that you are better right now; it is important that you STAY that way, no matter what happens with me.

"And I said angry things but I had to be honest. And I apologized right away. I do not appreciat you not seeing that."

Well, I'm sorry, but I really didn't see it. There was just something in the tone of the conversation that didn't seem healthy.

"Why? I mean do you not want to be with me now or is it something else? I just know I can't be ready to be with you unless you would do something like that. I want someone who fights for us."

I just don't believe anymore that you and I would work out as more than friends. I'm sorry and I don't know if that will change but its how I feel right now.

"Why? What would have been different? Grrr now you make me want to know and/or talk to you. Are you saying you would not have seen me?"

I don't think I would have, no. Or if I had it wouldn't have been as it was, just friendly I guess. But its hard to say and it doesn't matter anyway now.

"I don't think there's really anything to be discussed further on this "issue.""

I agree. Ithink its best if we just continue on by email like this, and give it some time. It'll be better then to see whether your being better "sticks" I guess. I don't really know what else to say...

With this new job life promises to become quite busy for me, but of course I will continue to respond to you emails basically this way. Please don't get upset if the response isn't immediate though. i have to go over curriculum, write lesson plans, all sorts of teacher type things, over the next month. I hope you're doing ok.

--Rad---

It's that tenth paragraph. I'm very upset. But did I write that I know we're meant to be? I know it. No matter what.

We also talked in IM. He said that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, but he cares for me (like that is worth shit) and he wouldn't go out with me right now. He said he may change and it might be due to his problems, or some of it. But he doesn't know. And he said he doesn't see anything beyond friends working out. And he said we're so different.

All I know is he doesn't change his mind when it's made up. But this isn't something to decide. I think he can have feelings for me, and things will change when things between us are different for our mental states.

And if he can, then that's enough. Because throughout this year I or just us will show him... I would say he will like me... but I don't know, knowing him, and I don't know him enough to say for sure.

But I know we are meant to be together. No one else is for me. So either we will be together or I will be with no one.

He should like me again this year.

But of course this is upsetting for now. He doesn't like me anymore, you must know how that feels? I'm very upset... and I don't want it to be this way at all. I told him I couldn't remain being just friends with no feelings from him and me having feelings.. and I will always have feelings... It's mostly because of him being able to find someone else.. and also from how things will change between us. I don't even want to see it happen, it will hurt too much. Maybe we can't be friends even now.

Mood: shut up, asshole.
Listening to: nothing
About to: dunno.

Posted by: Lucid-Dreamer
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