Rants and Thoughts
Jul. 17, 2002 - 3:35 a.m.

OK.

So what is so unhealthy about my love for Rad. Why is it so much better to feel he is the one when you are engaged to someone?

I was almost engaged before, and let me tell you.. I was farther off the mark there. He was far worse for me, I didn't love him as much and we had more problems than I do with Rad (or actually, less but we never handled or solved a thing. I didn't know there was fucking anything wrong until it ended. And we had more serious problems, I suppose..)

And you know, you can guess I thought he was the one. But I didn't know. I know now. I feel it. I don't care if you don't believe in soulmates, Rad would be one of those guys that I could be happy ending up with if that's where your beliefs lie. I do know this. I can't question it. We would be happy together and it would work out.

And if it wouldn't? So then let that be. Let us have our time together. Let us be happy. Let us discover for ourselves that it won't work. Give us some time.. to be us. We deserve that. We're so good together (although things have been shitty lately).

I'm thinking I should start writing in my journal to Rad again. But this time unlock it. I have all these thoughts flowing through me. And the way I feel is that they're all sop precious and should be shared, not hidden from anyone. And I send most of these thoughts off to Rad.

I love diaries. I wish I had kept it since I first started my own. You know, this is amazing.. but I first started a diary when I was fairly new to web design and I ran it myself. No blogging or diary site. I moved the old entries to the archive pages all by myself. But let me tell you it got old fast.

Now.. This is one thing so great about Rad and my relationship.. I don't care if he reads a thing in here. I couldn't imagine now keeping a diary from your signifigant other, bf, whatever. I told Damon not to read cuz it was all about him. He knew about it.. but respected my wishes. With Rad.. well I go and tell him to visit sometimes..

It's my friends I don't really like reading...

Karrii was like did you get your vibrator yet and it threw me off gaurd! That's not so bad. What is bad is using my personal thoughts against me to tell me I'm being unhealthy or "crazy." It's my diary. I am a woman in love. I am a woman with a new crisis every few days. And that's what I'm gonna write about. I'm sorry that I'm honest. I'm sorry that I'm so in love. I'm sorry that I have the capabilities of being in love in such a horrific situation. But I'm really not.

We all know I have mental issues, if you read my diary, shouldn't that show through? You shouldn't critisize me for it. You should know that I'm either working on it or hold it dear as one of my personality traits.

And I'm not gonna sit and write about my zines and fluff.. I wouldn't in a normal diary.. and I especially won't in this. Most people won't have a clue as to what I'm saying and won't understand a thing.

If you want more random thoughts, head off to Rad's Journal page (or mine to him I should say). But not yet, cuz I haven't started writing again.

Mood: Relieved.
Listening to: Nothing.
About to: Go see Karrii's IM

Posted by: Lucid-Dreamer
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